Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love.

In this edition: Passion Mash-up

Perspective – Compatibility Confusion

Practical Tactics – Sorting Out Compatibility Factors

Perspective – Compatibility Confusion

In the early days of eHarmony when I started working there, the eHarmony original matching system was based on the "29 Dimensions of Compatibility" that described core traits of individuals. If two eHarmony members shared enough of them, the system's algorithm would introduce those two people's profiles. Based on the extensive research, they would have a better chance at lasting partnership.

Contrary to the famous original eHarmony commercials of matchy-matchy couples who loved the same color of M&Ms, dimensions included factors like "Artistic Passion" that allowed room for differences; one person could adore attending opera, while the other could spend their weekends doing chalk paintings on the beach. They would be matched.

Passion level matched, not what they were passionate about.

Case in point: Years ago, I was invited to my friends' house. I had known them for years, but never had the pleasure of seeing their home after they married. I'd heard much from them about all their commonalities of their relationship, family, and their unique faith journey, of how they lived life together. Quintessential compatibility.

So I was shocked to see the decor of pool tables alongside antique furniture garnished with doilies... posters of Marvin the Martian mingled with framed embroidery. What clashed to me harmonized for them.

Practical Tactics – Sorting Out Compatibility Factors

If you're not in a relationship, you can reflect on what your desired traits in a partner when dating.

• If you have similar or the same passions, would they compete or compliment your partner's?
• What activities and hobbies do you enjoy doing solo? What passions would you feel grieved about not being able to share with a partner?
• Do the passions of your date(s) spark your curiosity, annoy you, or even threaten you?

If you're already partnered, instead of trying to change someone, you can:

• Ask yourself what were the most enjoyable moments you've had with your partner and why? Pinpoint what was the shared "passion" in that moment. Harness that passion and invent new activities and contexts based on it.
• If your partner's passions rub you the wrong way... you might want to ask yourself why? (Does it make you feel left out or does it trigger a bad memory?)
• Turn that annoyance into curiosity--what is the background story of your partner's passion that doesn't jive with you? By asking questions to understand, it's possible to "catch" that spark from your partner. It could ignite a new passion for you, or better yet, a new passion and appreciate for your partner.

They mystery and beauty of compatibility is the "X-Factor". Partners' passions maybe overlap and differ in ways that cause each person to enter into the fullness of who they are as an individual and who they are in the context of couplehood.

Want in depth online dating insights? Your Love Breakthrough: Effective Online Dating Strategies is available on Amazon.​ ​ Buy now

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