The Self-Doubt - Confidence Spectrum
|
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love. In this edition: The Self-Doubt - Confidence Spectrum Perspective – Faulty Extremes Practical Tactics – Knowing Your Range Perspective – Faulty Extremes I have noticed that mainstream dating and relating advice goes for the lowest common denominator by assuming the reader/viewer is completely ignorant of any wisdom or experience. Therefore, the tips peddle self-doubt hardcore. It's insulting (to me, anyway). It's true that over-confidence leads us astray with presumptions that lead to poor connections. But self-doubt is not the answer. Habitual self-reflection, however, is key. And it leads to healthy confidence. Case in point: When I worked for eHarmony, we were trained to tell eHarmony users to "keep open-minded." By the time I worked for eHarmony, though, I'd learned my lesson about "open-mindedness" through batteries of dating fails, wasting my and my dates' energy and time. I remember one date where we drove 45 minutes to meet halfway to each other. The conversation consisted of: "'I love this'... 'Not me, I hate that.'" It was actually amiable. We parted ways agreeing on one thing: eHarmony's insistence on being quite so open-minded excluded just knowing that another person isn't a good match. (I also discovered when I got home and looked in the mirror that I'd had a HUGE glob of mascara on the edge of my eye the whole time, so I'm sure that confirmed his certainty about our incompatibility. But that's besides the point.) Practical Tactics – Knowing Your Range In dating, self-reflection, not self-doubt, makes you aware of conditions you require in partnership selection. Self-reflection causes you to search within to distinguish if your conditions are valid or veiled defense mechanisms. Throughout your dating process, you might learn more, and make changes to your online dating filters. It's true for relationships as well. Self-reflection, rather than self-doubt, gives you a natural way to stand ground in conflict without defensiveness, which often masks a lack of self-understanding or a compensation to hide something we want to keep from the other. If you self-reflect, you open yourself appropriately to being right or wrong, and able to solve a problem with your partner to benefit you both. Know this! It is not wrong to know yourself, what you do and do not accept in a partnership partner or partnership itself. Self-doubt is destructive to yourself and others. It leaves you vulnerable to harm, not vulnerable to mutual enrichment (which is what you want). If this email was forwarded to you, Sign up to get uplifting messages from Christy Sanborn Grassman. What you have you missed? Check out past email messages from Christy Sanborn Grassman. |
Love Breakthrough
Uncoupled and seeking partnership. Coupled and keeping partnership.
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love. In this edition: Basket Case, Case Closed Perspective – September Self-Doubt Reflections Practical Tactics – The Takeaway Close the Basket Case. Perspective – September Self-Doubt Reflections This month, I've written reflections on self-doubt and self-trust. This week, the Case in Point is a personal testimonial of how this has played out for me recently. Case in point: A Study in Self-Doubt Management I just started going to physical therapy...
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love. In this edition: Give 'Em All You Got? Perspective – What You Have to Give Practical Tactics – What You Love to Give If Your Partner Is a Pig, Don't Gift Your Pearls. Perspective – What You Have to Give Both uncoupled and coupled people alike often think about what they want to get out of relationship. Even people who could be operating out of "codependent" tendencies by giving or caring for another, are actually giving to get something out...
Welcome to Your Love Breakthrough! Get Real. Love. In this edition: The Defect Effect Perspective – The Fault Flip Side Practical Tactics – Embrace Your Inner Chevy Chase Wouldn't You Like to Get to Know Me? Perspective – The Fault Flip Side The creators of the dating app OKCupid collected data from the users of their website that backed this up. The more unique, even oddball content that people included in their photos and written section of their profiles, the more communications they'd...